I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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