I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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