If i come over, it means nothing
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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