this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
