Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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