I want to have your abortion
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
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I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
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You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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