Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
