I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize