why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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