Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
