So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
