he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
