I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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