Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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