A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he thought i was a dude.
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
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Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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