God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He passed out mid-signature
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
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I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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