I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Too much gin, very little bucket
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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