Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Randomize
