i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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