I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
