Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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