wakey wakey hands off snakey
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
