Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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