people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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