My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
