my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Randomize
