Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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