His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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