I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Green mimosas i think yes
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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