White coat. Heels.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
