I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
