I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
