Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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