it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Go christen that room with your naked body.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
