First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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