remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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