the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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