Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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