Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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