so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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