I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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