so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
