Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
