he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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