Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
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