I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
