made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
