when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
