She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Randomize