So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
