home. puking in laundry basket.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
