The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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