there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
