I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
