Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
