Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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