So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
