Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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