that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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