allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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