I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
