I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
