sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
