I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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